Slow Motion

Things feel rather lackluster. What I used to enjoy and look forward to have lost their allure. I am trying not to go into zombie mode but to be honest it is becoming really hard. It is becoming increasingly difficult to put on that brave face and find the drive and motivation to continue my work. This disease, though not belonging to me, wears me out and I would go so far to say it is wearing down the people I love. I can hear the exhaustion and heaviness in their voices when we talk on the phone and in the language they use.

For here on out, I am putting a restriction on being allowed to look up statistics and facts. I am only allowing myself to think about this case and to think positively. My head will be focused on today, not the toll that this battle is going to take. Maura and I were talking today and both commented on how this past week has felt like an eternity. To think that Halloween was last weekend and I was out having fun and being carefree seems ridiculous.

Being the month dedicated to giving thanks, I have to state how thankful I am for how quickly things have happened as far as tests, results, and the scheduling of the surgery. It has also given way a feeling of guilt because I know that my mom's position in the hospital and knowing the physicians personally has been the reason for many of these quick turn arounds. My former position in the hospital has also been a factor. I can't imagine the ordeal that outsiders must go through waiting for the next available appointment. Our week and a half wait would normally be four to eight weeks. I wish that everyone could benefit as we have but I know the reality is that they don't.

In two days the real battle begins. I wish that I could save her from the pain she is going to feel or the sadness that I am sure she will encounter in addition to that she has already gone through. I wish there was more I could do besides getting a care package together.