Parts of the person that I was is gone. Things that used to irritate me, I just don't have the energy to care anymore. I am not saying that it is a bad thing that I have gone through this change, just acknowledging that it has happened. When I get home from classes or hanging out with friends, I feel completely worn out like I have spent so much energy trying to be this happy person. I don't want to be sad anymore.
It has been almost four weeks and trying to put the last six years of memories has proved incredibly difficult. That person that I loved no longer exists. I don't know the person that has taken over. The person I once knew I would have liked to still be friends with. The person I loved would have not done the things this new person did. The old person would have made sure I was okay and would not have said such hurtful things. The old person would have come to me if there was a problem because he would have wanted to work out problems. Now I am left wondering if the person I once knew was real or if it was just a mask of the person that has emerged.
The memories remain, the pain has subsided a bit, but my trust has been severely broken. I am constantly tired because I dread sleeping. Waking up in the morning, realizing that the wonderful dreams I had will never come true. I think I am at a good place right now though. I am happy, surrounded by friends that I am so thankful for. I am optimistic for things to come.
2 comments:
'No, there aren't any Tentacles in here,' I say. 'The opposite of a Tentacle is a simple task, someithing that's placed before you and that you do without question. That's what they have in here.'
'Right. Your only Tentacles in here are your phone calls, which are what got you so down just now.'
'Correct.'
Dr. Minerva takes notes. 'Now, here's an important question, Craig. Are there any Anchors in here?'
'Huh.'
'Anything you can hold on to.'
I think about it. If an Anchor is a constant, there are lots of those. There's the constant lite FM, which occsionally borders on dangerously funky, coming out of the nurses' station whether Smitty or Howard is behind it. There's the constant schedule: the food coming and going, the meds being dished out, the announcements of Armelio. There's the constant of Armelio himself, always ready to play cards. And Jimmy is always around going, 'It'll come to ya!'
'The people are Anchors,' I say.
'People don't make good Anchors, though, Craig. They change. The people here are going to change. The patients are going to leave. You can't rely on them.'"
I love you.
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